Monday, December 18, 2006

'Tis the Season

Well it's been a while. Truthfully, I just haven't had anything to rant about lately. I guess working all the time is enough to wear the fuss right out of you. Ah hell, I'll give it a whirl. This damn hot weather is sucking the Christmas right out of me. It may also be age. I remember when this time of year held the wonder of Ralphie and his Red Ryder BB gun. Although I do enjoy watching my young daughters with their presents from Santa, it just ain't the same. I guess you can never really go back to that time when you stayed awake practically the whole night on Christmas eve, just waiting to see your presents. What about the excitement of seeing your Mom open that 2$ bottle of perfume or your Dad unwrap a screwdriver you bought at the hardware store. Even brothers and sisters seem to have some sentiment towards each other as they'd celebrate a holiday truce. It's funny. When you get married you judge your holidays against the ones you had as a kid and they just don't seem quite right. Not bad, just not quite there. Do all adults and parents feel like this? I reckon that's the big question, huh? Well, it's time to go fetch some batteries and assemble a 1,987 piece toy with Chinese instructions. I hope the ladies in the SUVs don't get heavy into the eggnog and plow Santa while jabbering on a cellphone.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Fall is coming, hear the birds?

Well, here we are again. Fall is growing near and the familiar sounds of the season start rushing back. The cockled call of the loud mouth , sap sucker UT fan; the ear piercing and droning tone of the crimson nosed UA fan; and we can't forget the repetetive warbling chant of the chuckle headed Florida fan. As you may gather, I hold a special place in my heart for these fair weather ya-yas who run their cake holes incessantly during the season. When they win, their team is the best product that money and steroids can buy. When they lose, God forbid, the coach sucks, his wife is a skank, the mascot should be shot, the players put on the rack, the cheerleaders sent to a bordello, and the guy that cuts the grass should be run over with his own mower. Oh yeah, it's a building year too. Sound familiar? I wish these fans would just go with it and enjoy the Fall and ball season for what it is. It is a time to have fun and tailgate with the boys. Enjoy the only time of year when it is socially acceptable, and an obligation, to drink beer before 10 am. The smell of brats and burgers burning on a $10 grill you bought at the convenience store. These are all good things. They should be relished. Instead, there is always some loudmouth sack of crap, pulling for a school that he or she didn't even have the grades to get into. Oh well, those of us who can take a ball game for what it is will drink one for those of you, who will next week be red faced and screaming with a coronary over the fact that the QB's stats are 3 yards off of last year's matchup. We will also be avoiding the moms driving monster SUVs and talking on cell phones while we try to cross the street. GO TEAM!

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Been a while

Well, sorry it's been so long since my last rambling. My wife just gave birth to our third daughter and it's been a little hectic around here. Three girls; Holy Crap what was I thinking? Three teenagers in clothes, three girls at driving age, three girls dating(that's a whole separate issue), three proms, and three weddings. Let's get back to the dating thing. The guys I work with are giving me crap about it, but I figure if I kick the shit out of the first boyfriend the word will get around about that crazy guy with three daughters and presto!! Hopefully one of these girls will start showing some interest in hunting, I'm getting too old to pull these deer out myself. I've also started making new rules as I go. First of all, I refuse to put the toilet seat down. If I'm the only male, they can just deal with it. Gotta set some standards early, you know? Secondly, I'm going to have train them to start fetching beer soon. Oh well, it's going to be a hell of an adventure. All comments aside, I love them all more than anything else, so I'm sure all of my "rules" will be a mere wisp of thought soon enough. If they ever find out how wrapped I am already, I'll be the one in deep crap. Oh yeah, women with cell phones and SUVs should be locked away!

Monday, May 22, 2006

The nice customer service folk overseas

Let me begin with this--I am not a bigot. Please do not email me to tell me that I am. I have been dealing with Dell about a computer problem for weeks now. The people I have spoken to have been, for the most part, very considerate and patient. Even though most of them speak the king's english better than I do I think the thick accents and cultural differences get in the way. I have spent the majority of a 45 minute conversation asking" excuse me?" or "I didn't understand that". It gets a little embarassing after a while and makes me feel like a blooming idiot. I'm sure the Southern accent doesn't help, but even if the customer service department was in downtown Manhattan or Da' Bronx, I think they'd understand better. It is just that there is such a cultural difference. I spent 30 minutes explaining what a part time job was and why I could not be home to have a package picked up from home. After being reassured several times that it would be handled correctly(this was the third go around with customer service) I received an email a few moments later with the information completely wrong and 180 degrees to what we had discussed. Oh well that's enough about that. Maybe I'll ramble on women and cell phones again............................

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Thank God for pollen

Pollen. I know without it, life as we know would cease to exist. Now that I've said that let me go on to say how it really sucks. Besides being messy and keeping the family cars and house nasty, it is awesome to breathe. I really think that terrorists could use this stuff as some form of biologically advanced killer. I was lucky enough this week to develop a sinus infection from this lovely airborne destructo machine. The crap coming out of my head every morning was thick enough to use as mortar and apparently comes in a veritable rainbow of color. I have never been so miserable in my life (except for the two years I dated a particular girl in college). At some point in my over-the-counter drug induced haze I considered using a drill to tap a hole in my head to relieve some pressure. Thankfully fate stepped in and I passed out from the fever. Anyway......I guess I'll say it was almost as bad as women with cell phones in SUVs.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Women Drivers

Women, big vehicles, cell phones. Do I really have to explain any further? Holy Crap!!!!

Monday, March 20, 2006

Need more ammo

Ok--Now I feel like this week is a scene out of a zombie horror flick. My wife is sick and yacking, the other kid is puking every 15 minutes, and the youngest is running like a faucet at the other end. I'm the only semi well one in the house and it feels like I'm humanity's last bastion of health. The zombies are closing in and I only have 1 shotgun shell left. What to do?

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Lazy Sunday

What is it about Sundays? I literally have done nothing of any value today. Eating and sleeping have been my main priority, as life should be. "Eat till your sleepy and sleep till your hungry". Ahhh paradise.....Oh well, back to the salt mines tomorrow.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Why do kids puke in the worst spots?

My youngest girl last night was sick, puking eight times. Why is it though, on an acre of hardwood, she waited till she was on the 8'x5' area rug and the couch? Not that she planned it that way, it's just interesting how it seems to work out. I'm not sure I could even identify everything that came up; there was some awfully funny looking stuff. They could be in an empty swimming pool for eight hours, step out and yack all over you and the freshly laundered towel right out of the dryer. Oh well, she's fine now, I just can't get that smell out of the house.